My Painfully Evolving Sexual Identity Rooted in My Girlfriends Changing Gender - His Transition: Part 2

Part 1 covers the beginning of my lesbian relationship with my then, girlfriend. I also wrote about her announcement that she felt like a male on the inside; and the very beginning of his transition.

Part 3 covers the painful questioning of my sexual identity; there are more questions then there are answers.

I had already experienced the torment of coming out gay, and, as a result, had already made the necessary transformation. But I knew this transformation would be like no other. I knew a major transformation was in store for both him and I.


It didn’t take but a few moments before I knew deep in my heart that in order for him to be happy he needed to be true to himself. He said that his goal - no, his lifelong dream - was to transform the outside to match what he felt inside. Is this not the right of every living, feeling, breathing human being?? I wanted him to love himself and love his body in a way he'd never been able to before.


His transformation had begun long before he even hinted at the notion that he saw himself as male. But now - now I heard that exhilaration in his voice as he laid down the stepping stones of the journey he was embarking on. His face was lit with joy. And perhaps the three things that I remember most: 1) The paper he was waving around that signaled the official changing of his name, 2) The cracking in his voice when he received his new drivers license in the mail that now identified him as male, and 3) The glisten in his eyes as he injected himself with testosterone for the first time! Throughout our entire relationship he took care of me (even though I was supposed to be the older more mature one), but for once, this compassionate, forgiving, loving person did something for himself.


He was my soul mate and I wanted him to be the most fabulous person he could be; and being fabulous means to move beyond just existing. Knowing all too well the pains of being a closeted lesbian, I could neither accept or expect him to continue to be here on earth for the sake of being here - simply continuing to exist in this designated female body of his in order to appease me, his family, his friends, and society at large.


He knew the journey he was on would lead to the daily difficulties involved when functioning in society as a transgendered person with all the stigmatization and marginalization. So why would he actively choose to transition? The answer was quite simple. It is what he had to do. For him to be able to lead a full productive life and pursue happiness he had to be able to express himself in a manner congruent with how he saw himself. Denial of something so basic as self identity is not only unhealthy but necessary.


His transition was one that took no time at all before I could accept it, mine on the other hand, well, left me on an emotional roller coaster, in a mental quandary, and in a perpetual state riddled with uncertainty.


Aslongasitstranslatedcorrectly,

~ SoACTing

My Painfully Evolving Sexual Identity Rooted in My Girlfriends Changing Gender - The Beginning: Part 1

It seemed like an eternity between those early phone calls, text messages, IM's, and emails, but before we knew it, I got a on a plane and flew across the country (US) where my girlfriend and I were meeting face-to-face for the first time ever in nearly three years! She was my first true love.

It was an indescribable, novel, joyous, yet nerve wracking event - one which created lasting memories. It felt right to me. I didn’t question it. Regardless of what family or friends may have said, I knew that I was a lesbian. If there was ever any impending doubt in my mind, this momentous occasion wiped it away. It solidified my viewpoint that if the time came when my family would put me in the precarious situation of choosing them over her - the choice was simple - I would choose her! Nothing and no one could dissuade me of that regardless of how sinful or wrong they perceived my lifestyle to be.

There was no slowing down the pace of life. Eight days came and went, and in the blink of an eye, I was on an airplane returning home. But I wasn't to return empty handed; placed with love on my small finger was a perfectly fitted ring. We were very much in love. We also knew that at the time, we weren't quite at a point in life where we could just drop our entire teenage lives and live happily ever after. While it sucked having a long distance relationship, we both knew that one day, it would be totally worth it!

As much as I'd like to end this story by saying that it didn’t take long before we were back in each other's arms, riding into the sunset, basking in nothing short of eternal bliss - reality is, unfortunately, a bitch.

A few months after we had said our goodbyes at the airport, things began to drastically change. I had landed myself on State Disability, as a teenager, and was cycling through a menagerie of psychological issues. Suffice it to say I was dealing with self injury, an eating disorder, medication alterations, etc. Prior to going on disability I was on the verge of being fired from my job because of half a dozen trips to the psych ward spread out over a measly time of one year. She was with me through the whole thing until she decided that it was too much. It wasn’t healthy or fair for her at all. To put it bluntly, I put her through hell and back with my issues - something I deeply regret and feel awful about to this day. So…we stopped talking.

A few months later I was getting healthier and was anxiously excited to return to work. My medication issues were stable. Self injury had decreased drastically. And it wasn't long before I found a stable, steady place to live. Things were looking up!! My girlfriend and I reconnected.

Then, all of a sudden - BOMBSHELL!!!

She was transitioning into a HE!!

NOW, BEFORE I GET CHASTISED FOR USING THE PRONOUNS - SHE, HER, GIRLFRIEND, ETC. ABOVE, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I'M TELLING THIS STORY THROUGH THE LENS OF HOW THINGS WERE AT THE TIME EVERYTHING HAPPENED! IT WAS REALITY FOR BOTH OF US EVEN THOUGH I WOULD EVENTUALLY COME TO FIND OUT JUST HOW MUCH SHE TRULY LOATHED THOSE TERMS.



A couple things: From here forward I will use pronouns such as: HIM, HE, HIS, etc. based on his own preferences. However, there will be times where it's necessary to revert back to female/feminine pronouns for the sake of clarity. Early on he legally changed his name. In an effort to protect his identity I'll be using the name Cuda (her name prior to transition) and AJ (the name he chose that best represented what he felt inside).

He told me he had felt like a male on the inside. This didn’t surprise me, really. I knew he hated to be a female. Over the course of our relationship (about 5 years), she went from wearing a two-piece swimsuit, brown hair that hung just below his shoulders that was littered with bright blonde streaks -- to -- a boys' haircut that barely reached the top of his ears; and later, a shaved head (though not completely bald) that he nicely styled with a Mohawk. Also, when I flew across the country to visit him (see above), one of the things we did together was go through his girl clothes that he wanted to get rid of. The catch was that he wanted to get rid of all of his girl clothes. I don’t think he could have made it any more obvious; I just never picked up on the cues.

This was something he had wanted all his life. I knew the reason it had taken him so long to make this final leap into happiness and contentment - both inside and out. It was only nine years prior when he first came out to his parents about being gay. He wanted them to accept this first. By the time him and I met, his parents were a-okay with it. While they didn’t like the gay thing at first, they saw a bit of happiness that he had lost trying to suppress himself, finally return. Him being gay and his parents accepting it, brought joy into his life; it gave him a new found hope to live. Now he had turned 17; almost an adult. Over the years, he prayed for the best but feared the worst, and if the worst happened, he would be able to care for himself. [SPOLIER ALERT: IT TOOK MONTHS, BUT FINALLY HIS PARENTS ADJUSTED TO THE NEW 'HIM' AND MADE AN EFFORT TO USE THE PROPER PRONOUNS.]

Truth be told, I loved him as he was. He was a beautiful individual both inside and out. Upon finding all of this out, which took place over a couple days, I had a couple of things lingering on my mind that I choked back until he was done with his story: "I love you as you are; he/she, him/her, however you want to be. But can I please have my boyfriend back?? He said no. He told me he wanted to begin again; to start his life anew. It tore me up and destroyed me inside.


Aslongasitstranslatedcorrectly,

~ SoACTing

 

Part 2 covers his transition and my acceptance of it.

Part 3 covers the painful questioning of my sexual identity; there are more questions then there are answers.

Childhood Indoctrination Sprinkled with Education: Part 1

“We acquire both the language and religious concepts from our immediate culture – at the same time. A child cannot discriminate between useful survival information and the emotional and psychological manipulations of religion. Once infected, these ideas are deeply embedded and almost impossible to change.”

- Darrel Ray, Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality

Now it’s time for a few definitions to get the ball rolling:

At its most basic, school is defined as "An institution for educating children"; emphasis on educating!

To educate someone means “To act or process of imparting or acquiring general knowledge, developing the powers of reasoning and judgment, and generally of preparing oneself or others intellectually for mature life”.

And what makes someone an educated person? An educated person is “one who is able to perceive accurately, think clearly, and act effectively on self-selected goals and aspirations. It requires a practice of persistent disillusionment a consistent method for having an on–going dialog between the world and one’s mind to constantly revise one’s concepts of what is really going on in the world.”

While some religions do try to educate children – some of course being much better at it then others – the fact of the matter remains that by and large, religions and their adherents seek to indoctrinate. If the 613 commandments in the Old Testament are not enough, I have an idea for another one – Thou shall seek to indoctrinate the young!

So what is my problem with religions referring to their programs as Sunday School and/or Vacation Bible School? It’s that pesky little word, SCHOOL. In both of these cases the word school is a misnomer. There is very little, if any, schooling going on at these places; children are not being educated! These places are for religious indoctrination – not education!

The difference is vast but subtle. Let's compare:

Education	Indoctrination (Propaganda)
Involves seeking facts, and learning about what is the truth, and what is not.	Aims to influence people to believe in facts, without being able to back up these newfound facts with anything but opinion.
Can be supported by data that is derived from facts.	Tends to use broad generalizations, such as "all" or "every" as statements of fact and lacks specific references and data.
Points out that there are different and subtle distinctions that allow multiple solutions to the same problems.	Ignores distinctions and subtle differences, and poses the belief that there is only one solution to the same problem.
Uses statistical analysis to encourage thought toward reasoning, and proposed solution finding.	Uses statistics but offers no analysis (i.e., size, duration, controls, etc.) leading to misrepresentations used to only support the beliefs being posed; rejecting statistics that might dispute the beliefs are simply left out and ignored.
Unbiased, appeals to reason to stimulate thought and discussion, and supports arguments by appealing to facts and logic using impartially selected data.	Appeals to authority, emotions, and automatic responses; oftentimes has an agenda and is used to encourage the embracing of another's beliefs that are developed blindly and in complete (though not always) agreement with those beliefs.

Allow me to introduce two new proper nouns:

Sunday School Indoctrination; for short, SSI

Vacation Bible School Indoctrination (VBSI)

You see, there is no education going on at these supposed "schools," only one-sided indoctrination. It's the Get 'em while they're young approach (which is another topic for another day). They are instructed and trained on how to think correctly - god forbid they be taught to think for themselves! For it is only after they have been taught how to think correctly that they are allowed to consider material for themselves, safe in the knowledge that they too will concur with the prevailing paradigm on all matters. Then, of course, there will always be the bright few who show the ability to conform well to this model that are allowed passage into programs where they can receive advanced training on their way to becoming a Sunday Indoctrination Teacher or a Vacation Bible Indoctrination Teacher themselves.

Recognition and awe are reserved for those future tithe paying adherents who show a capacity to lap up that which is spewed and for understanding the 'tough stuff' that is patronizingly obtuse. It reinforces the internal vocabulary of god's chosen people in the last days.

At least - so long as one stays within the accepted parameters…

Aslongasitstranslatedcorrectly,

~ SoACTing