My Painfully Evolving Sexual Identity Rooted in My Girlfriends Changing Gender - My Transition: Part 3

Part 1 covers the beginning of my lesbian relationship with my then, girlfriend. I also wrote about her announcement that she felt like a male on the inside; and the very beginning of his transition.

In Part 2 I wrote of his transition and my acceptance of it.

To reiterate what I said at the end of my last post:

His transition was one that took no time at all before I could accept it, mine on the other hand, well, left me on an emotional roller coaster, in a mental quandary, and in a perpetual state riddled with uncertainty.



As I mentioned before, I had already gone through the painful and devastating process of coming out lesbian to my family. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. And, thankfully, my sexuality was a complete non-factor when it came to my friends.



But what happens when, three years in to a same-sex relationship, your partner "comes out" as transgender?? I felt like I was losing something I'd already fought for (insert link!!!) - and been through hell and back (insert link!!!) - in order to obtain. It was as if my identity - like grains of sand - were slipping through my fingers. While AJ was addressing his gender, I was forced to question my sexual identity.



The idea of it redefining my own sexual orientation left me petrified. Since I identified as lesbian and my partner was coming out as male, did that mean that I was straight? Does my sexual identity depend on how my now boyfriend defines himself? Could I continue considering myself a lesbian, cisgender female, in a relationship with a pre-op transgender male? Or was I now a gay leaning, bisexual (but only in this specific case with AJ), cisgender female, in a straight relationship to a pre-op transgender male, who was born with a birth defect that gave him the wrong anatomical parts?? (Boy that was a mouthful- no pun intended!!) Or was I something else entirely??



What if he had surgery? Would that "officially" make me straight? I was confused. But at the same time, I knew the love I had for him was one I couldn’t deny.



With AJ transitioning female-to-male, and no sexual reassignment surgery anywhere in the near future (if at all)*, if he and I stayed together**, how would I tell my parents. More importantly, what would I tell them? If I presented him as the same person they had grown accustomed to hear about (often as a passing remark) - it would mean people questioning my sexual identity. How then would I define our relationship? How would someone react to the idea that the person I was dating was once my girlfriend and is now my boyfriend? Was I bisexual? The thought of someone asking me "Why don't you just date a real man?" still turns my stomach!



AJ and I had been lovers and we were both open as lesbians. What would happen when I started referring to my lover as AJ? Were people going to be asking: "What, are you straight now? Who's AJ?" How many times would I have to explain, "Yes, I'm still a lesbian, but AJ is in the process of transitioning." AJ would, of course, be presenting himself as a man. By association, I would be losing my sense of self that I had finally worked up enough courage to be out with. I felt as if I was losing my identity as a lesbian.



Presenting him as a completely different person would have it's own trials and heartaches as well. How would I retell our history? Would I be omitting any references to him once being a female, and substitute male pronouns instead? Was I now actually a straight person in a heterosexual relationship?



And what of the danger? What if I slipped up? I knew the statistics concerning violence against the transgendered community well enough to know of the panic I sensed in his voice when deciding on something as simple and trivial as which bathroom to use.



There were too many questions and so few answers.



It was a process. It took time. I wanted, searched, and yearned for answers right then and right there. Do to the fact that AJ and I separated, I never had to truly adjust to a different role, a different person, or a different relationship.



After reading this brief glimpse of transgendered life from the perspective of a person in a same-sex relationship whose partner "comes out" transgendered, I suppose some may wonder why I would be so willing to continue life with this partner. The answer is simple - because I loved the new him as much as I loved the old her!



LOVE IS BLIND


Aslongasitstranslatedcorrectly,

~ SoACTing
_______________________________________________________________________
* Female-to-male sexual reassignment surgeries are rarely attempted
** AJ and I ultimately end up severing our relationship

My Painfully Evolving Sexual Identity Rooted in My Girlfriends Changing Gender - His Transition: Part 2

Part 1 covers the beginning of my lesbian relationship with my then, girlfriend. I also wrote about her announcement that she felt like a male on the inside; and the very beginning of his transition.

Part 3 covers the painful questioning of my sexual identity; there are more questions then there are answers.

I had already experienced the torment of coming out gay, and, as a result, had already made the necessary transformation. But I knew this transformation would be like no other. I knew a major transformation was in store for both him and I.


It didn’t take but a few moments before I knew deep in my heart that in order for him to be happy he needed to be true to himself. He said that his goal - no, his lifelong dream - was to transform the outside to match what he felt inside. Is this not the right of every living, feeling, breathing human being?? I wanted him to love himself and love his body in a way he'd never been able to before.


His transformation had begun long before he even hinted at the notion that he saw himself as male. But now - now I heard that exhilaration in his voice as he laid down the stepping stones of the journey he was embarking on. His face was lit with joy. And perhaps the three things that I remember most: 1) The paper he was waving around that signaled the official changing of his name, 2) The cracking in his voice when he received his new drivers license in the mail that now identified him as male, and 3) The glisten in his eyes as he injected himself with testosterone for the first time! Throughout our entire relationship he took care of me (even though I was supposed to be the older more mature one), but for once, this compassionate, forgiving, loving person did something for himself.


He was my soul mate and I wanted him to be the most fabulous person he could be; and being fabulous means to move beyond just existing. Knowing all too well the pains of being a closeted lesbian, I could neither accept or expect him to continue to be here on earth for the sake of being here - simply continuing to exist in this designated female body of his in order to appease me, his family, his friends, and society at large.


He knew the journey he was on would lead to the daily difficulties involved when functioning in society as a transgendered person with all the stigmatization and marginalization. So why would he actively choose to transition? The answer was quite simple. It is what he had to do. For him to be able to lead a full productive life and pursue happiness he had to be able to express himself in a manner congruent with how he saw himself. Denial of something so basic as self identity is not only unhealthy but necessary.


His transition was one that took no time at all before I could accept it, mine on the other hand, well, left me on an emotional roller coaster, in a mental quandary, and in a perpetual state riddled with uncertainty.


Aslongasitstranslatedcorrectly,

~ SoACTing

My Painfully Evolving Sexual Identity Rooted in My Girlfriends Changing Gender - The Beginning: Part 1

It seemed like an eternity between those early phone calls, text messages, IM's, and emails, but before we knew it, I got a on a plane and flew across the country (US) where my girlfriend and I were meeting face-to-face for the first time ever in nearly three years! She was my first true love.

It was an indescribable, novel, joyous, yet nerve wracking event - one which created lasting memories. It felt right to me. I didn’t question it. Regardless of what family or friends may have said, I knew that I was a lesbian. If there was ever any impending doubt in my mind, this momentous occasion wiped it away. It solidified my viewpoint that if the time came when my family would put me in the precarious situation of choosing them over her - the choice was simple - I would choose her! Nothing and no one could dissuade me of that regardless of how sinful or wrong they perceived my lifestyle to be.

There was no slowing down the pace of life. Eight days came and went, and in the blink of an eye, I was on an airplane returning home. But I wasn't to return empty handed; placed with love on my small finger was a perfectly fitted ring. We were very much in love. We also knew that at the time, we weren't quite at a point in life where we could just drop our entire teenage lives and live happily ever after. While it sucked having a long distance relationship, we both knew that one day, it would be totally worth it!

As much as I'd like to end this story by saying that it didn’t take long before we were back in each other's arms, riding into the sunset, basking in nothing short of eternal bliss - reality is, unfortunately, a bitch.

A few months after we had said our goodbyes at the airport, things began to drastically change. I had landed myself on State Disability, as a teenager, and was cycling through a menagerie of psychological issues. Suffice it to say I was dealing with self injury, an eating disorder, medication alterations, etc. Prior to going on disability I was on the verge of being fired from my job because of half a dozen trips to the psych ward spread out over a measly time of one year. She was with me through the whole thing until she decided that it was too much. It wasn’t healthy or fair for her at all. To put it bluntly, I put her through hell and back with my issues - something I deeply regret and feel awful about to this day. So…we stopped talking.

A few months later I was getting healthier and was anxiously excited to return to work. My medication issues were stable. Self injury had decreased drastically. And it wasn't long before I found a stable, steady place to live. Things were looking up!! My girlfriend and I reconnected.

Then, all of a sudden - BOMBSHELL!!!

She was transitioning into a HE!!

NOW, BEFORE I GET CHASTISED FOR USING THE PRONOUNS - SHE, HER, GIRLFRIEND, ETC. ABOVE, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I'M TELLING THIS STORY THROUGH THE LENS OF HOW THINGS WERE AT THE TIME EVERYTHING HAPPENED! IT WAS REALITY FOR BOTH OF US EVEN THOUGH I WOULD EVENTUALLY COME TO FIND OUT JUST HOW MUCH SHE TRULY LOATHED THOSE TERMS.



A couple things: From here forward I will use pronouns such as: HIM, HE, HIS, etc. based on his own preferences. However, there will be times where it's necessary to revert back to female/feminine pronouns for the sake of clarity. Early on he legally changed his name. In an effort to protect his identity I'll be using the name Cuda (her name prior to transition) and AJ (the name he chose that best represented what he felt inside).

He told me he had felt like a male on the inside. This didn’t surprise me, really. I knew he hated to be a female. Over the course of our relationship (about 5 years), she went from wearing a two-piece swimsuit, brown hair that hung just below his shoulders that was littered with bright blonde streaks -- to -- a boys' haircut that barely reached the top of his ears; and later, a shaved head (though not completely bald) that he nicely styled with a Mohawk. Also, when I flew across the country to visit him (see above), one of the things we did together was go through his girl clothes that he wanted to get rid of. The catch was that he wanted to get rid of all of his girl clothes. I don’t think he could have made it any more obvious; I just never picked up on the cues.

This was something he had wanted all his life. I knew the reason it had taken him so long to make this final leap into happiness and contentment - both inside and out. It was only nine years prior when he first came out to his parents about being gay. He wanted them to accept this first. By the time him and I met, his parents were a-okay with it. While they didn’t like the gay thing at first, they saw a bit of happiness that he had lost trying to suppress himself, finally return. Him being gay and his parents accepting it, brought joy into his life; it gave him a new found hope to live. Now he had turned 17; almost an adult. Over the years, he prayed for the best but feared the worst, and if the worst happened, he would be able to care for himself. [SPOLIER ALERT: IT TOOK MONTHS, BUT FINALLY HIS PARENTS ADJUSTED TO THE NEW 'HIM' AND MADE AN EFFORT TO USE THE PROPER PRONOUNS.]

Truth be told, I loved him as he was. He was a beautiful individual both inside and out. Upon finding all of this out, which took place over a couple days, I had a couple of things lingering on my mind that I choked back until he was done with his story: "I love you as you are; he/she, him/her, however you want to be. But can I please have my boyfriend back?? He said no. He told me he wanted to begin again; to start his life anew. It tore me up and destroyed me inside.


Aslongasitstranslatedcorrectly,

~ SoACTing

 

Part 2 covers his transition and my acceptance of it.

Part 3 covers the painful questioning of my sexual identity; there are more questions then there are answers.